Jay Leno Buys City of Oxnard
OXNARD, CALIF. – In an unprecedented move that rocked this close-knit Southern California community, TV personality and car enthusiast Jay Leno announced that he will be purchasing the city to use as a parking annex for his collection of vintage cars.
“This is a win-win for everyone,” said Leno spokesperson Jay Halsted. “The city will make millions in profit, and Mr. Leno will finally have a place for his extra 12,742 autos.”
Some residents were less excited about the change.
“I’ve lived here since 1947,” said local Ruth Bernbaum. “And I worry about what’s going to happen.”
Moments later, Bernbaum was served with notice that under the new city plan, her house along with others on her block would be demolished to become part of a small district called “Alfaville.”
Schoolteacher Ed Boyer faced a similar ambivalence when he received a notice in the mail from City Hall.
“They basically told me that my job was being terminated along with all the other teaching positions and the school was going to be turned into some kind of garage with elevators. They did offer me a job, which was pretty nice I guess.” Mr. Boyer was a French teacher who spent years receiving several teaching credentials before winning 2008’s National Distinguished Teacher of the Year Award. In keeping with his prior skills, Leno has offered him a position looking after his Citroën collection. The longtime owner of an automatic Ford Taurus, Mr. Boyer is now teaching himself to drive stick.
Mayor Thomas Holden embraces the change.
“Look, there’s no perfect solution. But tons of cities are declaring bankruptcy, and we figured out a clever way to get out of the red and back in black, to quote AC/DC.” Holden, a lifetime politician, is currently preparing for a new career as a waxer in one of the city’s eight new car washes.
Some wonder if the unique move could mark a new trend in how a city manages profits. Donald Trump is reportedly making plans to purchase the large portions of New Jersey’s coastline for use as the setting of his new reality TV show The Jersey Shore Apprentice.
Still, other locals are less than pleased.
“I think it’s disgusting that Leno can steamroll over other people’s lives and careers and just take what he wants. It’s not fair,” said local resident Conan O’Brien.